she held the moon, the way she held her own heart-
as if its light was the only thing
that could guide her
through the darkest night.
To the ones who have been there, to the ones that stayed...
January 28, 2019
This is one of my classic "uncomfortable" posts so if these make your stomach feel queasy & make you wanna click out-
this is probably just the post you need to read then....
theres nothin cute about basic, average, or comfortable so get comfy and get in....
To the ones who have been there for me through these last 4 years,
To the friends that stayed...
This one is for you.
I have spoken often about loosing friends in motherhood.
About the girlfriends who were there in high school and college and even through grad school, who then vaporized when motherhood hit- like a ghost they left no trace when they left.
All at once and all of sudden I found myself alone. In this crazy space called motherhood. With a newborn in my arms and another baby growing in my belly the daze of motherhood just shadowed over me for the first couple of years.
Im pretty sure, now looking back, that this kind of happens to all new moms but when you're kids are 10 - yes TEN-months apart that daze is real, and all too powerful, and keeps you undercover for a long while, without you ever realizing it.
I worked full time for those first two years and so to my coworkers who covered for me while I was out on yet another break, probably pumping in the mothers lounge or barking my brains out hiding in a bathroom stall, or eating, or napping, or doing homework, or talking to my first born baby on FaceTime-
You all will forever be in my thoughts and my memories as the heroes who helped make it possible for me to keep on keeping on through working full time, going to night school to get my teaching credential (because I was extra crazy), and trying to be there for my newborn baby while horribly sick and pregnant with number two...thank you.
When the daze finally broke after those first two years, after I quit school and my full time job. I found myself texting those former bff's of mine and startling silence in response. They didn't reply or respond or check in on me or ask for a cute baby picture. I suddenly, without warning, found myself alone with not a single friend to lean on- literally and metaphorically.
During this time, not unlike many times before, I was myself alone and needing to find a new group of friends, mom friends.
I found moms club, by chance really, and it saved me- they saved me.
All of a sudden, just a few months after quitting my full time job and loosing my identity as a "working mom" and quitting school and losing those friends my identity as a "soon to be school teacher" was gone also.
Thank God, I found other local SAHM's who like me just wanted someone, anyone, to hang out with and do the #MomLife along side them. I realized at a park play date early on, that these ladies and I had little to nothing in common. That, if not for this mom's club, we would probably never chose to be friends or have sought each other out in the world as friends. Many of us would never have crossed paths. But, this one crazy thing bonded us all, in a deep and incredible way- motherhood.
We found each other by chance but we became friends by choice.
We all, knowingly or unconsciously, were seeking out friendship and companionship with other women sorta kinda like us.
Some moms are way more crunchy than me and some just as silky and lots of mamas are somewhere in the middle, and that is what I love most.
I love that if I have a mom problem, all I have to do is hop on my moms club page on social media and I will have 60+ other mamas- lawyers, teachers, nurses, and more- at my fingertips giving me their help, knowledge, resources, and real life assistance with anything and everything from potty training to a weird rash. I know the best schools, best teachers, best restaurants, nail place, car wash, pediatrician, and more because when I needed these things these ladies all shouted out their tried and true favorites and let me pick.
Thank you for opening your arms and hearts to me and to my kids these last almost 3 years. Thank you for making room for us, and for creating a space for us to thrive, and somedays to just survive (#RealMomLife).
Lastly, to my social media friends- I see you too.
You all comment on here, my IG, my FB, send me private messages, etc and make me feel heard. You validate my experienced and my feelings and you allow me to be raw and real with you. You allow me the space to say what I need to, when I need to, and without expectation of anything.
You answer my questions also. You provide me support. You ask me questions and "friend" or "follow" me on my personal pages and I won't be surprised when we meet one day (East Coast mama friends!! Hawaii mama friends!! Aussie mama friends- one day!!).
I started this blog- if you're newer around these Moon Mama parts- the day I quit my job. Out of fear and isolation and panic, I NEEDED and craved a way to reach out to you. I knew I needed connection.
So, these past FOUR years if you have been a silver lining for me, if you have stood with me on my hardest days momming, if you stayed late waiting for me at park play date, watched my kid throw a massive tantrum without judgment, allowed me the time and space to vent to you about the latest life issue- this is a post for you.
I couldn't/ wouldn't still be here standing, mostly in one piece, without you.
I know that.
Now I hope you do too.
Don't forget it.
And when you need me, know that without question, no matter what I got your back too- no matter how much time passes- without question, I got you mamas...