she held the moon, the way she held her own heart-
as if its light was the only thing
that could guide her
through the darkest night.
Holding Boundaries- (gasp) even with Family
December 24, 2018
With it being basically Christmas and knowing many of you are with family (some of which you can’t stand- be honest!), I felt like sharing this message with you all tonight.
So here a super “Uncomfortably Honest Truth” for you this holiday season:
I hold my Boundaries - gasp, even with Family.
Ready for it? I have family members I don’t talk to and chose not to continue a relationship with once I was an adult.
I feel it’s important to mention that these were not adolescent incidents based of emotional teen angst or instability. These, incredibly difficult decisions, were made based off incidents that as an adult I deemed not okay by my personal standards. And now, years later as a mother, I completely still stand by.
(Note:Although if a kid or teenager is disrespected it shouldn’t mean less because of their age, I definitely want to point that out. I hate when people discredit others’ experiences or feelings because of their own age biases.)
So anyways, without getting into ALLLLL the murky ugly details that it would take one to willingly extract a family member out of your immediate circle of trust and make it known to rest of the family that to you, this person is dead; I just want to say that if someone crosses a boundary with you that IS grounds for banishing them from YOUR world.
Don’t let anyone try to tell you otherwise and lesson your pain. Hear that loud and clear. I give you permission. Take it.
Again, if someone disrespects you in a deep way and chooses to overlook your terms in this game of life that we’re all playing, feel free to kick that loser to nearest empty curb you see fit. And while there, park all associated emotions with that person next to them.
And speed away with so much as a flaming curse word off your lips, because no one has the right to hurt you- not “even” family. Especially not family.
My lessons in this subject are unfortunately extensive. Deep, long, and complicated are the heavy disappointments that don’t ever disappear - not even after 2 degrees and 7 years of studying Psychology at fancy universities. Not after giving family therapy to other families. Not after my own therapy. Not ever. So I’ve learned to just manage that heavy burden of disappointment as a load I just have to bear. We all have something, right?
And let me be clear, this is my choice.
Because the other option would be completely catastrophically worse than this one.
The other option, the one where the same family members engage in the same drama and tactics to hurt you over and over again. Where they take advantage of you mentally or emotionally or financially or physically. Where you have to walk on pins and needles just being around them... or else.
That life, yes that life, is one I know too well and chose to walk away from years ago.
And I would be lying if I said I haven’t ever looked back. Of course I have. Of course I have let doubt creep into my mind late at night and I’ve doubted my decisions. I’ve wrestled with the visions of a happy reunification between us all as a happy family...however, unrealistic it may be.
But then I remember the numerous incidents. The depth of the hurt and the lack of remorse. The carelessness. The callousness. The unwillingness to change.
And I know I made the right decision.
And I’d make it all over again.
So this holiday season know that it is okay to hold boundaries - gasp, even with Family. Especially with family.